White, Fat Flava Flav

It was a Friday afternoon and my cousin and I had decided to go to a Brewers game for the night. I called her up on my way home from work and she had to inform me that the game was sold out due to half price tickets. Just my luck, when do Brewers EVER sell out? Now what am I going to do…
Visions of laying in bed watching marathons of Trueblood by myself on my computer on a Friday night haunted me. Don’t get me wrong, that is what I had done all week, but this was Friday. I called a few friends… all busy with their own lives. It was then that I got a text. I was from Paul. “Wud up gurl?” Oh no, was I going to really finally give in and go out with Ghetto Paul? I thought about it for a little while and finally justified it. Worst case scenario I would have a good story for my Blog. I picked up my phone again and dialed.
The next think I heard after a couple rings was this voice message (insert ghetto hood speech here): “SO YOU THINK CHOO WANT TO TALK TO PAULIE? WELL, PAULIE DON’T WANT TO TALK TO CHOO. LEAVE A MESSAGE… HOLLA” I left a quick yet cocky, “This is Summer and I think you’re going to want to talk to me. Call me before I change my mind.”
I got a call back immediately and answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey yeah, Where you at? I got the stuff right here.”
“Excuse me?”
“Who is this?”
“This is summer, I’m in my car. What stuff”
pause
“Oh, damn gurl, I taut you was some other foo. Sorry bouts that”
He then went on to invite me to go to a bowling alley in a bar on the eastside of Milwaukee. By this time I was laughing to myself so hard about this guy that I HAD to go right? He sounded like a real winner.
After driving through some of the worst streets I have ever seen, in the worst parts of Milwaukee, I finally pull up to the place. Paulie was outside waiting for me. I should have kept on going. From this point on in the story my date will be referred to as white, fat flava flav. He had it all; the crooked hat, baggy pants, oversized shirt. I half expected him to smile and reveal a grille gleaming from his teeth. I am pretty sure that he was trying to dress a little more casual so he left his twenty-pound medallion at home.
We did a little bowling, but I was in a hurry to finish the game since I felt like a prize heifer being inspected at the county fair every time I went up to bowl. At least PRETEND you aren’t staring at my ass. There might as well have been a thought bubble like a comic book coming out of his head, with how obvious it was what he was thinking.
I went to the Bathroom and texted my best friend, “Save me from White, Fat Flava Flav!” Why do I do this to myself again? Glutton for Punishment I guess.
I decide that at this point I am going to turn the tables. No more making me the uncomfortable one. We started playing darts. I was starting to get good after practicing on all these dates. After a particularly good throw I jump up and down and start shaking my arms in a fiddler-on-the-roof /Russian type dance. I inform him that this is the winner dance. People were starting to look… I didn’t care.
I then started mocking Flava Flav that he is the worst dart player I have ever seen. The ridiculing got worse. I gave him a closer line to through from, I offered him a tampon since he threw like a girl, and all around make him feel insuperior. The calling out worked and he was suddenly a pro. I hate when guys let me win. It is so odd that after all this, he only seemed to want to impress and win me over more.
As he won the game of darts I yell “Dance for me! Dance the winner dance!” He looks at me like I am insane. I stare back daring him not to obey. To my surprise he starts shaking his arms a little. “More! More! Move those legs”
I starting clapping in time to his dancing and it is getting wilder and more spasmatic. Now, everyone in the bar is looking at this ghetto-ass dude jumping around with his arms over his head doing a half shimmy, half traditional Russian kick dancing. Oh God, I did not expect this guy to get convinced into all this. I love having the power.
A little while later over some beers I look up and make eye contact with a guy playing pool. There had been some sort of electric chemistry that we shared in that few seconds. Something about him had just struck me like I was supposed to know him. He wasn’t the most handsome guy I had ever seen, so I knew it wasn’t just a physical attraction I was feeling. I was something more that I can’t explain.
As Flava Flav and I were walking out I thought how this must be like one of those moments that people write about on “missed connections” on craig’s list or the what-if situations you think back on years after the fact. I couldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t miss this opportunity. On a date or not, my mind just went on auto-pilot. With no plan I walked passed the bar without stopping for Flava Flav as he turned in the darts. The bar was round with a wall partitioning the middle so I headed toward the exit but took a quick turn around the back of the bar and back to the pool tables. I marched up to the man I had made contact with and put my hand around his arm.
“I just wanted to let you know that I think you are very attractive and you should give me a call the next time you are out.” I pulled out my card and pushed it into his hand.
Without another word I turned around and went for the door. I looked over my shoulder as he stumbled over, “Thank you ma’am” and kept walking.
I found Flav by the door and yelled at him for losing me. He apologized.
I have never done anything that cool in my life, and probably never will again. I got a text later that night. It said that he was Tom from the bar (like I go around giving my cards to everyone). He also said he liked my confidence and style. We set up an official date for the next night.

I think I have dating figured out. I don’t know if I would pass this advice to your kids or anything but this is what I have discovered. You need to date more than one at a time.
Now, I’m not saying you should cheat. Once you have the talk and you’re in an official relationship then none of this applies. Or maybe it does, but I do not condone cheating.
Once you are “exclusive” or “facebook official” or whatever the fuck you want to call it, you got ‘em! Congratulations ladies, you trapped a man into picking your vagina over every other girl he previously was free to mingle with.
I have found the secret to a relationship through the only way a woman can find it… not wanting a relationship at all. As anyone reading this blog can tell, a relationship is far from being on my wish-list. Therefore, I was able to stumble upon the secret to entrapping men.
What is the number one thing women do too fast and too furious when they meet a potential guy? They CARE. Seriously. For every text message you send a guy you like in his mind it is the equivalent of getting 10. So when you send his 5 harmless little messages about how you miss him, it is really 50 cries about how you want to know where he is.
We all do it and we can’t help it. We switch plans and ditch friends when he finally calls you back, making us look like we have no life. We want to get all cuddly and cute right away because it is our nature to reproduce and keep the human population going. Too bad nobody told mother nature that that is the way NOT to find a man to procreate with. Well, maybe procreate with, but not raise a duel-parented baby.
Ladies, here is what you do; you go find yourself a couple guys and try to get to know them at the same time. When you get the urge to text a guy, text the one you texted least. You will be having such difficulties having time to see all of them that you will have to turn others down. Here is why it works: THIS WILL ONLY MAKE THEM WANT YOU MORE.
I would read the situation whether you tell them about each other, but jealousy can say a lot about a guy. Letting them know you have options says, “guys want me, you are going to have to fight and win to be with me.”
I am currently “talking” with three guys. I have cut down the natural womanly instinct of caring by dividing it by 3. It gives them space and lets them be the one to call me, without making me sit at the phone wondering what is wrong with me. These guys think I’m the coolest chick in the world for “understanding that they need space.”
Rather than freaking out about my guy deciding he would rather watch the baseball game I bought us tickets to at home, I texted someone else. Within 5 minutes I had a new date and let the original guy slide.
Over all this time I will eventually have my pick of the three and become exclusive if I wish. BUT if a relationship is not what you want eventually one is going to ask you to be with just them in which case you will lose your fun arrangement and you will have to ditch the other guys or him. Decision is yours. I just wanted to let you in on the secret of how to get there.

If you don't have anything nice to say... watch where you sit

Although it is not a norm there is one guy from my blog who I hand out with on a regular basis. That is the fun part about my project… there are no rules. I can say this, he is the best looking and not AS bad as he seemed to be on the first date.
With that said, we are summer friends with benefits. The benefits stop when one of us finds a potential love interest, at which point we hang out as friends. The benefits resume immediately after we move on. It was a pretty good deal all around.
One night my FWB invited me to his baseball game and then some fun after. I love watching sexy guys get sweaty, so I took him up on it. I invited my Best Friend, Liz, to come along with so I would have someone to talk to during the game.
Liz and I had a great time catching up from her semester abroad. We new it would be our last summer together so we held nothing back. I told her what I planned on doing to my FWB after this first work out. She asked how it worked with him living with his parents. I told her how it sucked and we had to sneak around in his parent’s basement.
We discussed how my FWB was less than endowed, but it wasn’t like I was going to marry the guy and be stuck with it, right?
We talked about how hot the other players were. Number 25 in particular was a stud. Why does he keep looking over here? Maybe I could trade up? He wants me hardcore. Wow, look at those fine asses out there. Oooooooooooo Weeeeeeeeeeeeee
After about an hour of laughing, gossiping and watching the baseball game, my FWB came over to give us some bug spray. After thanking him for the spray he replies, “No problem, give it to my Mom when you’re done,” pointing to the woman sitting next to Liz.
I turned bright red thinking about all the things she must have heard. The worst thing was that I had met her before and didn’t recognize her. Wait, no, maybe the worst was that 25 was his newly-wed brother, who had most likely been looking over at his mom the whole game.
Awkward

X

X is too smart for a name. If I wrote his conversation you probably wouldn’t understand it, I don’t even understand it. X has his own language because only he understands it, and he is the only one smart enough to hold a conversation with himself anyway, so why bother with any other language? X is the youngest one at his job, which only accepts the smartest people alive. Did I mention X is smart? …Because he sure did. X would have been Valedictorian except the teachers didn’t want him to give a speech calling them out for not being as smart as him. X is perfect at every sport that involves math or coordination. Want to play mini-golf with him? Yeah, by hole 3 I didn’t want to either. X will someday be president, as soon as they have an IQ requirement, in which case he will win based on him getting one vote… his own. X was so matter of fact that it wasn’t even cocky… it was just stating how it was. Check Please.

Single-ladies ring

I know it has been a little while since my last update. You won’t believe who has a giant diamond ring on her finger! Last person you ever would have thought.
No, no, it isn’t what you’re thinking although I do have an engagement ring on my finger, my right middle finger. As a declaration to the world I am now wearing what I have coined my “single –ladies ring.” It shouts that I don’t need a man to make me happy, and I don’t need one to buy me big bling either.
So right now you may be wondering: a)How could afford an $8,000 ring? and b)why you should care? I do have a point here (other than just bragging that I have a ring probably nicer than half your married friends).It all started with eHarmony guy back in December of 2009.
eHarmony walked into the jewelry store that I had worked at through most of college. Let’s call the store Rings & Things. eHarmony walked up to me and pretty much said, “I know I am going to by an engagement ring from you. I liked your jingle on the radio.” He didn’t care which ring he got, he just wanted someone to talk to about the woman he had just fallen for. I sat down with this guy and couldn’t believe the story I was about to hear.
eHarmony had found the love of his life. He had found this perfect woman on the eHarmony dating website. He had planned to fly to meet her in Pennsylvania over New Years. He was planning to make this grand gesture of love by proposing to her when he finally met her for the first time in person. Kinda a romantic/ creepy idea, although not an original one for him. He had actually done this before with a Russia woman. I have to say this guy had balls. Apparently the Russian woman had sent him packing fiancé-less immediately. He had also been married two other times, using the same rings for each marriage and proposal.
All that aside, this time was going to be different! He was starting with brand new rings and had found the perfect woman. He had even told me that he had cut out a picture of her face and put it on the pillow next to him… ekkkkkk
He meant well I swear! eHarmony swore he was a knight in shining armor… literally. He had found the lineage and collected both suits of armor and swords. He actually compared the price of the rings we looked at to his dream $6,000 suit of armor. What the fuck would you need a suit of armor for, much less a $6,000 one? It kinda makes me think of those reality shows where people buy 10k doggie spa packages or limited edition Star Trek figures. Can you find nothing else to use your money on?
I sent him out of Rings & Things with luck in his quest and a $2,000 ring. As I waved my new friend good-bye with one hand, I crossed my fingers behind my back with the other. Please God let her say yes or at least think about it long enough for it not to come back as a return.
Fast-forward a month… I saw eHarmony walk in with his maiden on his arm. Could it be? Holy Fuck she said yes. I shook both their hands and was more than willing to helping find the perfect wedding bands. I then sat down with both of them to hear their story. It was a Cinderella story. He had pulled her and her daughter out of poverty and got them back on track. Miss Harmony was to move in by spring and they were to be married in September. She also had an interview for an amazing job managing five hotels in Milwaukee, making more money than she ever could have imagined. As they left I believed anything was possible.
April 2010 eHarmony walked in and headed straight for me. We had become friends and I had come to enjoy our talks. They allowed me to sit down at the diamond cases that were usually reserved for associates with customers only. My high-heel clad feet silently thanked him for the tow hour chats. I casually asked if Miss Harmony had gotten the hotel job.
“Yeah, yeah she did. They gave her a car and a laptop, even a computer. She moved all her stuff in and everything. I went up to her family’s place in New York over Easter. We got a bunch of the wedding planning down too… and then she left me”
“Wait, what?”
“Yeah, I have no idea what happened. She packed everything up put the ring on the table and drove back to Pennsylvania. She didn’t even accept the new job. She just went back to poverty at home.”
I was shocked. We went back and forth trying to figure out what happened. Personally, I think she just couldn’t handle everything. It was just too good to be true and wasn’t the life she was used to. Who knows? All I know is that he had a finger-less ring sitting in a box in front of him. Even worse was that it was past the date to return it. I explained how he could trade it in, but that would include him getting different jewelry and spending more money. I suggested keeping it incase she came back or found someone else. It was no use. He was convinced he had given up on love and wouldn’t take Miss Harmony back even if she begged. I offered to get it polished so he could sell it online. I said that he could meet the person in the store and I would vouch it was what he claimed so that he would get more money.
“Nah, I usually go for the shock value. I’ll probably throw it up there for $50 to get rid of it.”
“You better not! You can’t give away a $2,000 ring for $50. It would break my heart.”
“All it is to me is metal and a rock. It breaks my heart to even see it. I might as well give it to you.”
I thought about yelling at him for teasing someone who loved jewelry as much as me like that. Instead I showed him my favorite ring in the store. I told him that it was discontinued and one of only two left in the company.
We talked some more until he decided it was about time he left. I panicked a little at missing a golden opportunity so I leaned towards him and said playfully,
“So how much do you want for it?”
“How much you willing to pay?” He chimed back.
Calling his bluff I took the plunge, “I can really only afford maybe 50 to 100 bucks.”
“You give me $50 and you can have it.”
Holy Shit did I just hear him right? Shaking, I have never ran to an ATM machine that fast in my life (except maybe when the credit card machine at Qboda broke down at bar-time back in my college days…Maybe).
I got out three $20 bills and headed back into Rings & Things. “How about $60 and a hug?”
He accepted the offer and was thrilled to hear I could trade it in for the dream ring I had shown him earlier.
“If this ring couldn’t make one woman happy, I’m glad it could make another one.”
With the clearance pricing and the $2000 trade I got a helluva ring and a hellova story.
I have only been called out by one guy so far who had me figured out. “You just bought that so the guy who proposes to you someday has to get one bigger.” …Maybe.

Kevin and the Love Triangle

I got a text from Kevin while enjoying a beautiful day on the lake. It said to come and drink with him and his friends at his house. I think I am going to invest in some mace or a tazor as I realize that going to the houses of the guys I meet online may not sound like the safest thing. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to hang out with a bunch of his friends rather than the one on one interview style dates I have been attending. I grab a case of Miller Lite and headed down to Kenosha. I got a bit lost when I was in the area so I gave him a call. He tells me to look for a girl outside waving. Let me introduce you to Tina, the first point in our love triangle. The cutest little Asian girl with an ass I would kill for. I then see Kevin on his balcony and have them buzz me in. It turns out no one could come drink on a Tuesday evening other than Kevin, myself, and Tina, who I soon would come to find was Kevin’s ex-girlfriend.
I actually did have fun with the two of them, engaging in a beer power hour to start. I even talked more with Tina than Kevin. She mentioned her 3 year old son who was in daycare at that time. Apparently she had hours to use up there so she had dropped her son off for the day. Tina wanted someone to go with her to get him so I offered as another friend (female) of Kevin’s came in.
Tina and I then bonded further to the point I could dig a little about Kevin. It was then that I found out about their previous relationship. I also found out how in the past it was a regular occurrence for him to pick up her son, give him a bath and put him to bed. I pushed a little further asking if she thought they could ever make it work together since she kept going on about what a “great guy he was.” She must not have saw me as a threat because she gladly elaborated on how she had gotten over the “baby-daddy” issues that broke them apart in the past and that she would love to end up together. Wow, thanks.
I got back and Kevin put on the movie Cars for him. He grabbed a sippy cup out of his cupboard and a Spongebob blanket out of the closet. He admitted to having more kid stuff in his condo that adult stuff. That was pretty odd for a single, childless bachelor. Feeling once again like a third wheel I politely excused myself.
When I saw he loved kids in his profile I thought it had to do with being a camp counselor and excited to be an uncle in the next couple months. I didn’t think it meant I want instant family.
I really hate breaking up happy homes. I’m so out of there.

Won't Santa Be Worried About You?

Body Type: Average, Height: 5’8’’

Ha, yeah right, maybe standing on a phone book (or two). I went on a date with a midget. Am I allowed to say that? How short do you have to be to be a little person?

I met up with John at an awesome coffee place on the lakefront of Milwaukee. I was looking for him when I walked in and couldn’t find him until I called his phone. Unbeknown to me I just had to look down. I saw his profile declaring that he was 5’8’’ which was borderline short for a guy because I am also 5’8.’’ I have dated guys my same height so I didn’t let it be a deal breaker. When I greeted him with a hug I felt awkward. He looked all too happy at being pulled into what goods were at eye level.

Being the brave woman I am, I ventured on. It’s all for humanity and research, right? We decided to get a cup of coffee. I was confused when he juggled between his credit cards and cash (which he did not have enough of) when paying for the 2 servings. I soon came to find that John was an unemployed engineer who could not even afford his rent. I actually felt bad at that point, but like I have said before, you should be able to take care of yourself before you try to date and take care of anyone else. Besides, What could I do? Give him a couple bucks for food like he is a homeless man off the street?

Well, maybe he has a great personality, right? The only subject he could think of to talk about from his current life was how loud his cousin would have sex in the room next to him. Hmmm thanks for the sex update on your family. That’s always a good way to start a conversation.
This was one of the closest I have been to really running out on a guy. Most guys are at least amusing but not so much with this guy. I excused myself after the one cup and drove my ass home, texting my best friend, “Holy shit! R there any normal guys out there?”

Randy the Biter

Randy was an attractive guy with the interest of a grapefruit- exciting when it first squirts you in the eye, but then it sits there with nothing else to offer. We were sitting at a bar talking when his phone kept ringing. He was constantly looking at texts and talking. It was pretty obvious that he was talking to other girls he was online dating, wondering if there was something better than me. Anyway, he gets this phone call so I leave for the bathroom to let him talk. I come back and he apologizes. He then explains that he talks to people he would never date online as well. He was friends with a 42 year old mom who he had never spoken to. She had apparently just called him because she had been in a fight with her roommate. She had then asked him if she could move in with him for a couple days. He had told her that she couldn’t because he lived with his parents. What kind of person asks a complete stranger if she can move in? Even more sad is if she really didn’t have anyone else to call. Then, Randy goes on to tell me that he felt bad for her so he invited her to meet up with us. Now keep in mind this was our first date that he had invited another girl from online to meet for the first time as well. Awkward. Thank God she never showed. He didn’t even ask though. What the hell?

So on our second date Randy and I went back to his, wait no, make that his parents’ house to watch a movie. We got to his house and he said in a creepy voice “Get into my dungeon” as we go into the basement. We started making out and he pulls me on top of him. He was on a whole different level as far as acting rough. He was into choking and biting hard core. The next day my friends looked at my arm and asked me why I have two teeth marks on my arm. It wasn’t a hicky or suck bruises, but as if a shark had attacked. I also almost lost my lip and other body parts due to his chompers. After kissing I told him (more to keep him away) “I am not going to have sex with you.” He then asked when I was going to be off my rag. I said, “Why so you know when to call me next?” He replied, “Yeah, well I just don’t see why we would tease ourselves like this.” Then it came up where I told him having my period was better than the alternative because that would mean I was pregnant. I will never forget what he replied to that comment. He said that that wouldn’t be so bad for him because then he could have sex with me without him getting me pregnant. What the hell? So not going to happen.

Ernie's Not a Chubby Chaser

Ernie used to be in the navy and was working towards being a police officer. However, he was currently working as a security guard walking around thinking he was the shit because he had a badge. I won’t bore you with the details other than him bragging about having a gun in his car. Not the best first date conversation.
Oh yes, I should also mention the discussion about a past relationship he had with the “fat chick”.
“That was a low point in my life.”
“How so?”
“Look at me, do I look like I should be dating a fat chick?”
“Excuse me?”
“I am way too sexy for that.”
He went on to tell me that it ended when he got a text from her asking what he was up to for the night. He then got the same text from a friend. He wrote back, “I donno, fat chick wants to hang out.” Guess which person got that text. He laughed about it calling it for the best.
How could he think I would want to spend time with someone who could be such a douche. Was that supposed to impress me?

Brad the Cat-Man

Brad actually was a nice guy. Too bad it is easy to be too nice. I showed up ten minutes late to a café I had suggested we meet at. What I didn’t realize was that it was such an old person hangout. We were the only people under 40 in the entire place. So I walk in and he walked in a little after. It turns out that he had waited in his truck until he saw me so that he could quick drive away if I was hideous or not the person I said I was. Way to go Brad! That was some quick thinking. I was his first eDate so I definitely didn’t blame him. I mean, that meant I was good enough for him to follow me in right?
Brad was the first guy that I told about the “Dating Lemon-law.” I first heard about it on the show How I Met Your Mother. You can walk in and you give each other 5 minutes or until you order food to say “lemon law.” At that point you can get up and skip out on the rest of the date. No hurt feelings, just not wasting the rest of the night on a dead end date. I don’t know if I would ever really Lemon-law anyone. How would I have these stories if I did?
Brad was the lankiest guy I have ever seen. He looked like he was over 6’5’’ and the legs of a flagpole. Ever seen someone on stilts? It was that awkward looking. Anyway, Brad had also missed the spot under his nose when shaving. I couldn’t stop looking at the long whiskers coming almost out of his nose. It was very distracting.
So we start talking and he brings up his cats. He talks about Squinty, his ugly cat with no eyelids. There was also his spastic cat Mellow Yellow. It became amusing how much he had to say about cats. Every time there was a lull in the conversation I would say, “So tell me another cat story.” It was totally a joke… but then he would. He had a cat that was retarded and blind to ran into walls and fell off couches and five at his parents house. Don’t even get me started on his Mom’s teacup bitty dog.
OK fine, since you asked he started telling me about this dog that his mom had. She would dress it up in suitcases full of costumes. If it didn’t have clothes on she would ask the person who took them off why her dog was NAKED! Brad mentioned costumes such as a biker jacket, Mickey Mouse, and … fuck, I don’t even remember because all I was thinking was is this guy fucking serious? This is all after he told me I would get along with his mom really well. If I get anything out of all these eDates it will be what not to talk about on a first date. Number one: dressing up small animals.
I think one thing that made this two-hour brunch date entertaining was that I drank over 15 cups of coffee. I felt like I was drunk on caffeine. I was shaking and could hardly think straight. I think I may have even sang the “dirty Sturty” song that my cousin and I made up about Sturtevant . I even added a verse about Annetta’s Café, the location we were eating. Hey, I never said I was perfect at dating either, but this is my story so I can keep the focus on the issues of others rather than me.
Lastly, Brad went to the bathroom at the end of our date. He returned and smiled, thanking me for not running off with the keys to his truck and wallet that he had left lying on the table next to me. Damn, why didn’t I think of that?!
It has become a joke among my friends that I dated “cat-man.” When I mentioned the other day that I needed to clip my toenails one even suggested that I should reconsider- Cat-Man might be into my claws. Thanks guys.

Where is "abroad" again?

So here we have the perfect example of what happens when you keep giving a guy the benefit of the doubt that he isn’t a complete idiot. Darren looked like his head had been kinda squooshed in. I later came to the conclusion that his brain was getting smaller by the day due to lack of use. This caused his head to slowly cave in on itself. Since I had studied in Denmark I told Darren that I would one day like to go abroad again. He then asked me, “where is abroad?” At first I almost laughed until I realized he was completely serious. I tried my hardest to keep a straight face as I understanding explained that abroad referred to a place overseas or not where you currently are. He seemed to understand as I went on with my story. A couple minutes later, to my disbelief he turns to me and asked, “where did you say abroad is again?” Seriously? Seriously? You had the balls to ask me a dumb question and then forgot the answer so asked it again? It was that moment I knew I was not onto a good thing.
Now I would never go out of my way on a date to declare my high school GPA. I mean come one, who does that. I would be bragging if I did, so it would at least make sense if I did, but this guy felt the need to tell me he got a 1.6 GPA. To make it 100 times better he went on to explain it wasn’t horrible since he got A’s in his shop classes. If you think about it that doesn’t make it better at all. Those A’s averaged 4.0’s into the equation and he still averaged a D+. This may explain the unemployment and poverty I was to learn of later. He was probably selling his blood, semen, whatever he had just to pay for the gas to come and see me. Now in my opinion you should not be dating when you cannot even afford to take care of yourself, much less someone else.
Somehow, he must have scraped up enough for his phone bill because there was no shortage of calls and texts. I even told him that I had to pay for texts because I didn’t have them on my plan, but he kept them coming. We went on two dates, which to him meant we were going to get married. I can’t even believe I gave him date number two, but like I have said before, I put people on a pedestal and I give them the benefit of the doubt.
The week we were dating was a busy one for me. I was also starting to get closer with my cousins, who I had never had the time to get close with while I was away at college. Soon he started assuming that “cousin” was a code word for “other guy I was seeing. “ He left me a message saying that he didn’t want me to be seeing anyone other than him, and that I needed to call him because I wasn’t giving him enough time, and all this garbage. That was it. I drew up my list about jealousy and controlling issues and wrote them down on a couple post-its. I called and left a message (yeah, I am still working on not being a little bitch when it comes to break-ups). He called 11 times in the next five minutes. My sister and I stared at the phone as it vibrated on our table. I unfriended him on facebook and never talked to him again. Every once in a while he finds me online on a dating website, even when I change my picture and profile name.

face-licking cheapskate

Ryan was the Godfather of bad daters. I pray that he finds an awkward-ass girl who could someday make it through a date with this crazy guy. How do I explain this guy? Let’s start with his pictures verses reality. You know how on America’s Next Top Model the girls are kinda odd looking sometimes? But in their pictures they are so photogenic that they turn out hot? That was this guy. He was perfect for eDating because he had a face that only looked good in photos.
This is another example of where I should not have given someone so much of the benefit of the doubt. He worked at Lowe’s, lived with his parents ,and didn’t even have a car. I had to pick him up when we went out mini golfing. I called him on my cell phone because I knew I was close to his house. He tells me that he is the one in the flannel at the end of the driveway. I almost just drove by and called it quits right there. I wish I had known the Dating Lemon law at this point (more to come on that in the cat lover post).
This guy gets in and I know from the start that this guy will never get a second date. I could do or say anything I wanted and it wouldn’t matter. As he got in he looked at how nicely I was dressed and took off his flannel so he was wearing a grey T-shirt instead. We walk into the mini golf place and he pays and asks if I want us to keep score. He replies that if I want to keep score then I am going to have to do it myself. I had my big purse that I had to maneuver along with my club, ball, and now this pencil and paper, so I asked if he could please keep score. He then went into how he didn’t understand why I needed a purse in the first place. I stared at him like he was telling a skydiver he didn’t need a parachute. Had this guy ever met a woman before? He went on to tell me that I should put my most important things in my pockets and my keys on my belt loop like him. Well, I hope my most important thing is a tic-tac because that is the only thing they make small enough to fit in the pockets of woman’s jeans. I think this is a good time to tell you that this guy was wearing some combating work boots, acid-washed-looking pants that were bunched at the bottoms like they were from the early nineties, and a ring of keys like he was a janitor or valet parking –not really a guy I want to be taking fashion advice from.
The funny thing about this date was that I honestly think he was into me. He just didn’t know how to express it in a normal way. He was just so… odd. One time He said in a loud, straightforward voice, “That sign says ‘NO CLIMBING ON THE ROCKS.’” I looked over thinking there would be some kids fooling around on the rocks. No, just him seeing a sign and feeling like he needed to point it out. Weird.
So the game went on and I decided to keep score and never tell him who was winning. It actually started to bother him that I knew who was doing better and he didn’t. Later in the night when he was guessing who won he said, “Well, you better have won with how many times I purposefully missed!” Thanks a lot ass hole I still lost and now I feel like shit.
The next part of the date we went to A & W for root beer floats. He pulls in and a hop comes to our car. We order floats, but suddenly I really wanted some cheese curds also, so I order those as well. He kinda looks at me when she asks for payment but I kinda look away thinking -dude you are the one taking me out. So we get our food and start talking. I am thinking of conversations to keep this guy from calling me again. I decided to bring up that I would like to join the peacecorp (which was true) and help people in other countries. He looked at me like a) I was crazy and b) like he didn’t want me to leave the country, so he replies “Why do you have to go? Can’t you just work in a soup kitchen or something? Are those supposed to be the same thing?
So as we are throwing away our uneaten food he looks at my unfinished root beer float and asked if I was going to finish it. I said I was full but that he could have it. He said, “I don’t want it, I just thought you would finish it if I paid for it.” Not an econ major are you?
By this point I want this guy out of my car. Luckily, he suggests a movie. Yes! Anything not to have to talk to him. He tells me we could see The Hangover, which I got genuinely excited about since I had wanted to see it. We started walking towards the theater when he turns to be and says, “So, are you going to cover this then?”
Taken back I said “Well, I guess… I don’t want to be rude.”
“Well, I have covered everything so far.” We kept walking until he sees a sign.
“OH MY GOD! ICE AGE 3 IS OUT! Can we go to that?”
“If we are seeing Ice Age 3 you are definitely paying.”
We put on our 3D glasses and he paid. We got in the viewing room and it was super cold for short sleeves. His response to my shivering was, “ would have given you my flannel but you made me leave it in the car.”
“Well do you blame me? Who wears flannel unless you are rounding up cattle or cutting down a tree?”
“Look at you in zebra print, only thing worse would be Cheetah.”
But all this time we are not saying these things meanly. It was super weird. He still wanted to snuggle during the movie, no matter how far I tried to lean from him. He also held my hand so tight I almost cried. I wasn’t even holding his back. My fingers were outstretched trying to have as little contact as possible. After the movie I looked at the ring on my finger. It had been dug into my skin, leaving dark marks.
We walked out letting go a deep breath that it was almost over. This guy obviously did not feel the same way. He suggested that we go out for coffee. I said I was tired, but he insisted the coffee would wake me up. I put my foot down and made sure I would be going home.
Soaking in the last couple minutes together, he pulled me close as we walked –a little too close. We awkwardly bumped hips since he was the same height as me. We got to the car as I though, gross, don’t let this guy’s mouth come anywhere near me. Finally the inevitable came and I went in to appease him with one quick peck. He had different plans and went right in with the tongue. With my closed mouth he ended up licking my entire face in one swoop. To make it worse he steps back and said, “Oh come on, are you serious?” Are you serious?
I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out some bull shit about taking things slow. I should have been the one asking if he was serious. NASTY! I dropped him off at home and slammed on the gas to get out of there as fast as possible.

My first time

My first eDate was with Ray bon jovi*. Yeah, that was his first name. What kinds of parents name their son after bon jovi? I thought he was great when he came over to my place at the frat house. He insisted on being my boyfriend and spending vast amounts of time with me, even though we had just met. He ended up staying for three days! The problem was I didn’t want him there. I would go to class and he would stay there. I didn’t get to see my friends or do any work. Sometimes I would make up an excuse to leave. I would say that I had to go leave my room and go to the communal bathroom down the hall. I would go hang out with friends for a while in a different room instead. He must have thought that I had habitual diarrhea with how long I would be gone. My friends would ask me how Ray Bon-Jovi was doing. I would tell them to go ask themselves, he was upstairs. At least I learned one thing: never let any guy tell you that you aren’t good enough, even if they are trying to make it a joke. He would say I looked pregnant, and that I was good looking other than my face. He would tell me at least five times a day that I needed to have my long brown hair back. My chin length blonde hair was apparently not what he was buying into when he set up our date. Apparently it as false advertising when I put on older pictures. He had agreed to meet the brunette beauty with the flowing hair not the bobbed blonde.
After he finally left I did the mature thing of unrelationshiping him on facebook. (Hey, I never said I was good at this shit either.) He called repeatedly until I couldn’t deny talking to him anymore. This is how my method of breaking up with guys was first developed. It was my first experience, having been the dumpee in the situations with my first two high school boyfriends. My Friend down the hall helped me list on a dry-erase board all of the reasons that I could not date him. I needed it to keep on track and not be convinced to stay with him. I almost laughed when he started crying! He turned down and denied every reason, until Lisa circled and underlined reason number 7: I am a lesbian! I don’t think I used that one, but the point got across. This was my last eDating experience in college, and it was not until the summer after graduation that I gave it another try.