Brad actually was a nice guy. Too bad it is easy to be too nice. I showed up ten minutes late to a café I had suggested we meet at. What I didn’t realize was that it was such an old person hangout. We were the only people under 40 in the entire place. So I walk in and he walked in a little after. It turns out that he had waited in his truck until he saw me so that he could quick drive away if I was hideous or not the person I said I was. Way to go Brad! That was some quick thinking. I was his first eDate so I definitely didn’t blame him. I mean, that meant I was good enough for him to follow me in right?
Brad was the first guy that I told about the “Dating Lemon-law.” I first heard about it on the show How I Met Your Mother. You can walk in and you give each other 5 minutes or until you order food to say “lemon law.” At that point you can get up and skip out on the rest of the date. No hurt feelings, just not wasting the rest of the night on a dead end date. I don’t know if I would ever really Lemon-law anyone. How would I have these stories if I did?
Brad was the lankiest guy I have ever seen. He looked like he was over 6’5’’ and the legs of a flagpole. Ever seen someone on stilts? It was that awkward looking. Anyway, Brad had also missed the spot under his nose when shaving. I couldn’t stop looking at the long whiskers coming almost out of his nose. It was very distracting.
So we start talking and he brings up his cats. He talks about Squinty, his ugly cat with no eyelids. There was also his spastic cat Mellow Yellow. It became amusing how much he had to say about cats. Every time there was a lull in the conversation I would say, “So tell me another cat story.” It was totally a joke… but then he would. He had a cat that was retarded and blind to ran into walls and fell off couches and five at his parents house. Don’t even get me started on his Mom’s teacup bitty dog.
OK fine, since you asked he started telling me about this dog that his mom had. She would dress it up in suitcases full of costumes. If it didn’t have clothes on she would ask the person who took them off why her dog was NAKED! Brad mentioned costumes such as a biker jacket, Mickey Mouse, and … fuck, I don’t even remember because all I was thinking was is this guy fucking serious? This is all after he told me I would get along with his mom really well. If I get anything out of all these eDates it will be what not to talk about on a first date. Number one: dressing up small animals.
I think one thing that made this two-hour brunch date entertaining was that I drank over 15 cups of coffee. I felt like I was drunk on caffeine. I was shaking and could hardly think straight. I think I may have even sang the “dirty Sturty” song that my cousin and I made up about Sturtevant . I even added a verse about Annetta’s Café, the location we were eating. Hey, I never said I was perfect at dating either, but this is my story so I can keep the focus on the issues of others rather than me.
Lastly, Brad went to the bathroom at the end of our date. He returned and smiled, thanking me for not running off with the keys to his truck and wallet that he had left lying on the table next to me. Damn, why didn’t I think of that?!
It has become a joke among my friends that I dated “cat-man.” When I mentioned the other day that I needed to clip my toenails one even suggested that I should reconsider- Cat-Man might be into my claws. Thanks guys.
Dating Philosophy
So here is the idea about online dating. You pick one out based on a couple pictures and a little bio. It is the ultimate example of human superficial-ness. The user searches for matches who are attractive, but not too attractive that you don’t have a chance. It is also an ultimate test of self-confidence. You can tell what kind of confidence a person has by whom they think they have the right to message and possibly date in the future. Someone who has extremely high self-confidence will blow off anyone who looks any less than a red carpet model. It seems only obvious from that reasoning that the eDater with low confidence will be too intimidated by attractive or slightly successful profiles.
If for some reason they pass the first “attractive- yet not too douch-baggary” test you scan the words for signs of serial killer tendencies, and send a message. Now not every eDater is the same. There are always exceptions to the rules. You often have the creepy guys who send out mass messages to every female seeking male on the site without a mustache. (Sometimes they even send messages to those depending on how desperate.)
Here is my problem:
When on a date with someone you meet online eDaters don’t hear what the other person is ACTUALLY saying. They obviously want it to go well. They wouldn’t be searching hopelessly through wifi waves for a soul mate if they had the time or social skills to wait around to sort through guys themselves. By looking for a significant other online it proves that you are either looking for sex or looking for “the one.” Everyone wants to think that the next one is going to be “the one.” We wouldn’t do it knowing that the next one is going to be a waste of time or will take your heart and rip it out leaving you a little less trusting towards the next. We wouldn’t bother (and would probably not let it happen in the first place), which leads me to my point. Every eDater goes into the date with at least a glimmer of a hope that this is the person you have been looking for their entire life.
So this is why we see our date in a far better light than they really are. We WANT them to be the great person they might be. This is how I know that in order for me to see these eDater guys as ridiculous, bad dates they must have been just that… bad. I have to admit that the stories I have taken away are something that have added to my life experience.
So what happens when you take out that factor? What happens when you don’t go in it for sex or marriage? You don’t go into it trying to dress up and impress? What happens when you eDate as many people as possible to learn about the opposite sex? What would you see once the bull shit curtain was pulled away? No one to try to impress, no false hopes or rose-colored glasses?
*names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent
Monday, May 3, 2010
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