Ryan was the Godfather of bad daters. I pray that he finds an awkward-ass girl who could someday make it through a date with this crazy guy. How do I explain this guy? Let’s start with his pictures verses reality. You know how on America’s Next Top Model the girls are kinda odd looking sometimes? But in their pictures they are so photogenic that they turn out hot? That was this guy. He was perfect for eDating because he had a face that only looked good in photos.
This is another example of where I should not have given someone so much of the benefit of the doubt. He worked at Lowe’s, lived with his parents ,and didn’t even have a car. I had to pick him up when we went out mini golfing. I called him on my cell phone because I knew I was close to his house. He tells me that he is the one in the flannel at the end of the driveway. I almost just drove by and called it quits right there. I wish I had known the Dating Lemon law at this point (more to come on that in the cat lover post).
This guy gets in and I know from the start that this guy will never get a second date. I could do or say anything I wanted and it wouldn’t matter. As he got in he looked at how nicely I was dressed and took off his flannel so he was wearing a grey T-shirt instead. We walk into the mini golf place and he pays and asks if I want us to keep score. He replies that if I want to keep score then I am going to have to do it myself. I had my big purse that I had to maneuver along with my club, ball, and now this pencil and paper, so I asked if he could please keep score. He then went into how he didn’t understand why I needed a purse in the first place. I stared at him like he was telling a skydiver he didn’t need a parachute. Had this guy ever met a woman before? He went on to tell me that I should put my most important things in my pockets and my keys on my belt loop like him. Well, I hope my most important thing is a tic-tac because that is the only thing they make small enough to fit in the pockets of woman’s jeans. I think this is a good time to tell you that this guy was wearing some combating work boots, acid-washed-looking pants that were bunched at the bottoms like they were from the early nineties, and a ring of keys like he was a janitor or valet parking –not really a guy I want to be taking fashion advice from.
The funny thing about this date was that I honestly think he was into me. He just didn’t know how to express it in a normal way. He was just so… odd. One time He said in a loud, straightforward voice, “That sign says ‘NO CLIMBING ON THE ROCKS.’” I looked over thinking there would be some kids fooling around on the rocks. No, just him seeing a sign and feeling like he needed to point it out. Weird.
So the game went on and I decided to keep score and never tell him who was winning. It actually started to bother him that I knew who was doing better and he didn’t. Later in the night when he was guessing who won he said, “Well, you better have won with how many times I purposefully missed!” Thanks a lot ass hole I still lost and now I feel like shit.
The next part of the date we went to A & W for root beer floats. He pulls in and a hop comes to our car. We order floats, but suddenly I really wanted some cheese curds also, so I order those as well. He kinda looks at me when she asks for payment but I kinda look away thinking -dude you are the one taking me out. So we get our food and start talking. I am thinking of conversations to keep this guy from calling me again. I decided to bring up that I would like to join the peacecorp (which was true) and help people in other countries. He looked at me like a) I was crazy and b) like he didn’t want me to leave the country, so he replies “Why do you have to go? Can’t you just work in a soup kitchen or something? Are those supposed to be the same thing?
So as we are throwing away our uneaten food he looks at my unfinished root beer float and asked if I was going to finish it. I said I was full but that he could have it. He said, “I don’t want it, I just thought you would finish it if I paid for it.” Not an econ major are you?
By this point I want this guy out of my car. Luckily, he suggests a movie. Yes! Anything not to have to talk to him. He tells me we could see The Hangover, which I got genuinely excited about since I had wanted to see it. We started walking towards the theater when he turns to be and says, “So, are you going to cover this then?”
Taken back I said “Well, I guess… I don’t want to be rude.”
“Well, I have covered everything so far.” We kept walking until he sees a sign.
“OH MY GOD! ICE AGE 3 IS OUT! Can we go to that?”
“If we are seeing Ice Age 3 you are definitely paying.”
We put on our 3D glasses and he paid. We got in the viewing room and it was super cold for short sleeves. His response to my shivering was, “ would have given you my flannel but you made me leave it in the car.”
“Well do you blame me? Who wears flannel unless you are rounding up cattle or cutting down a tree?”
“Look at you in zebra print, only thing worse would be Cheetah.”
But all this time we are not saying these things meanly. It was super weird. He still wanted to snuggle during the movie, no matter how far I tried to lean from him. He also held my hand so tight I almost cried. I wasn’t even holding his back. My fingers were outstretched trying to have as little contact as possible. After the movie I looked at the ring on my finger. It had been dug into my skin, leaving dark marks.
We walked out letting go a deep breath that it was almost over. This guy obviously did not feel the same way. He suggested that we go out for coffee. I said I was tired, but he insisted the coffee would wake me up. I put my foot down and made sure I would be going home.
Soaking in the last couple minutes together, he pulled me close as we walked –a little too close. We awkwardly bumped hips since he was the same height as me. We got to the car as I though, gross, don’t let this guy’s mouth come anywhere near me. Finally the inevitable came and I went in to appease him with one quick peck. He had different plans and went right in with the tongue. With my closed mouth he ended up licking my entire face in one swoop. To make it worse he steps back and said, “Oh come on, are you serious?” Are you serious?
I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out some bull shit about taking things slow. I should have been the one asking if he was serious. NASTY! I dropped him off at home and slammed on the gas to get out of there as fast as possible.
Dating Philosophy
So here is the idea about online dating. You pick one out based on a couple pictures and a little bio. It is the ultimate example of human superficial-ness. The user searches for matches who are attractive, but not too attractive that you don’t have a chance. It is also an ultimate test of self-confidence. You can tell what kind of confidence a person has by whom they think they have the right to message and possibly date in the future. Someone who has extremely high self-confidence will blow off anyone who looks any less than a red carpet model. It seems only obvious from that reasoning that the eDater with low confidence will be too intimidated by attractive or slightly successful profiles.
If for some reason they pass the first “attractive- yet not too douch-baggary” test you scan the words for signs of serial killer tendencies, and send a message. Now not every eDater is the same. There are always exceptions to the rules. You often have the creepy guys who send out mass messages to every female seeking male on the site without a mustache. (Sometimes they even send messages to those depending on how desperate.)
Here is my problem:
When on a date with someone you meet online eDaters don’t hear what the other person is ACTUALLY saying. They obviously want it to go well. They wouldn’t be searching hopelessly through wifi waves for a soul mate if they had the time or social skills to wait around to sort through guys themselves. By looking for a significant other online it proves that you are either looking for sex or looking for “the one.” Everyone wants to think that the next one is going to be “the one.” We wouldn’t do it knowing that the next one is going to be a waste of time or will take your heart and rip it out leaving you a little less trusting towards the next. We wouldn’t bother (and would probably not let it happen in the first place), which leads me to my point. Every eDater goes into the date with at least a glimmer of a hope that this is the person you have been looking for their entire life.
So this is why we see our date in a far better light than they really are. We WANT them to be the great person they might be. This is how I know that in order for me to see these eDater guys as ridiculous, bad dates they must have been just that… bad. I have to admit that the stories I have taken away are something that have added to my life experience.
So what happens when you take out that factor? What happens when you don’t go in it for sex or marriage? You don’t go into it trying to dress up and impress? What happens when you eDate as many people as possible to learn about the opposite sex? What would you see once the bull shit curtain was pulled away? No one to try to impress, no false hopes or rose-colored glasses?
*names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
So very glad you have decided to preserve these stories in the written form!
ReplyDelete