Monday, June 21, 2010
X
X is too smart for a name. If I wrote his conversation you probably wouldn’t understand it, I don’t even understand it. X has his own language because only he understands it, and he is the only one smart enough to hold a conversation with himself anyway, so why bother with any other language? X is the youngest one at his job, which only accepts the smartest people alive. Did I mention X is smart? …Because he sure did. X would have been Valedictorian except the teachers didn’t want him to give a speech calling them out for not being as smart as him. X is perfect at every sport that involves math or coordination. Want to play mini-golf with him? Yeah, by hole 3 I didn’t want to either. X will someday be president, as soon as they have an IQ requirement, in which case he will win based on him getting one vote… his own. X was so matter of fact that it wasn’t even cocky… it was just stating how it was. Check Please.
Single-ladies ring
I know it has been a little while since my last update. You won’t believe who has a giant diamond ring on her finger! Last person you ever would have thought.
No, no, it isn’t what you’re thinking although I do have an engagement ring on my finger, my right middle finger. As a declaration to the world I am now wearing what I have coined my “single –ladies ring.” It shouts that I don’t need a man to make me happy, and I don’t need one to buy me big bling either.
So right now you may be wondering: a)How could afford an $8,000 ring? and b)why you should care? I do have a point here (other than just bragging that I have a ring probably nicer than half your married friends).It all started with eHarmony guy back in December of 2009.
eHarmony walked into the jewelry store that I had worked at through most of college. Let’s call the store Rings & Things. eHarmony walked up to me and pretty much said, “I know I am going to by an engagement ring from you. I liked your jingle on the radio.” He didn’t care which ring he got, he just wanted someone to talk to about the woman he had just fallen for. I sat down with this guy and couldn’t believe the story I was about to hear.
eHarmony had found the love of his life. He had found this perfect woman on the eHarmony dating website. He had planned to fly to meet her in Pennsylvania over New Years. He was planning to make this grand gesture of love by proposing to her when he finally met her for the first time in person. Kinda a romantic/ creepy idea, although not an original one for him. He had actually done this before with a Russia woman. I have to say this guy had balls. Apparently the Russian woman had sent him packing fiancé-less immediately. He had also been married two other times, using the same rings for each marriage and proposal.
All that aside, this time was going to be different! He was starting with brand new rings and had found the perfect woman. He had even told me that he had cut out a picture of her face and put it on the pillow next to him… ekkkkkk
He meant well I swear! eHarmony swore he was a knight in shining armor… literally. He had found the lineage and collected both suits of armor and swords. He actually compared the price of the rings we looked at to his dream $6,000 suit of armor. What the fuck would you need a suit of armor for, much less a $6,000 one? It kinda makes me think of those reality shows where people buy 10k doggie spa packages or limited edition Star Trek figures. Can you find nothing else to use your money on?
I sent him out of Rings & Things with luck in his quest and a $2,000 ring. As I waved my new friend good-bye with one hand, I crossed my fingers behind my back with the other. Please God let her say yes or at least think about it long enough for it not to come back as a return.
Fast-forward a month… I saw eHarmony walk in with his maiden on his arm. Could it be? Holy Fuck she said yes. I shook both their hands and was more than willing to helping find the perfect wedding bands. I then sat down with both of them to hear their story. It was a Cinderella story. He had pulled her and her daughter out of poverty and got them back on track. Miss Harmony was to move in by spring and they were to be married in September. She also had an interview for an amazing job managing five hotels in Milwaukee, making more money than she ever could have imagined. As they left I believed anything was possible.
April 2010 eHarmony walked in and headed straight for me. We had become friends and I had come to enjoy our talks. They allowed me to sit down at the diamond cases that were usually reserved for associates with customers only. My high-heel clad feet silently thanked him for the tow hour chats. I casually asked if Miss Harmony had gotten the hotel job.
“Yeah, yeah she did. They gave her a car and a laptop, even a computer. She moved all her stuff in and everything. I went up to her family’s place in New York over Easter. We got a bunch of the wedding planning down too… and then she left me”
“Wait, what?”
“Yeah, I have no idea what happened. She packed everything up put the ring on the table and drove back to Pennsylvania. She didn’t even accept the new job. She just went back to poverty at home.”
I was shocked. We went back and forth trying to figure out what happened. Personally, I think she just couldn’t handle everything. It was just too good to be true and wasn’t the life she was used to. Who knows? All I know is that he had a finger-less ring sitting in a box in front of him. Even worse was that it was past the date to return it. I explained how he could trade it in, but that would include him getting different jewelry and spending more money. I suggested keeping it incase she came back or found someone else. It was no use. He was convinced he had given up on love and wouldn’t take Miss Harmony back even if she begged. I offered to get it polished so he could sell it online. I said that he could meet the person in the store and I would vouch it was what he claimed so that he would get more money.
“Nah, I usually go for the shock value. I’ll probably throw it up there for $50 to get rid of it.”
“You better not! You can’t give away a $2,000 ring for $50. It would break my heart.”
“All it is to me is metal and a rock. It breaks my heart to even see it. I might as well give it to you.”
I thought about yelling at him for teasing someone who loved jewelry as much as me like that. Instead I showed him my favorite ring in the store. I told him that it was discontinued and one of only two left in the company.
We talked some more until he decided it was about time he left. I panicked a little at missing a golden opportunity so I leaned towards him and said playfully,
“So how much do you want for it?”
“How much you willing to pay?” He chimed back.
Calling his bluff I took the plunge, “I can really only afford maybe 50 to 100 bucks.”
“You give me $50 and you can have it.”
Holy Shit did I just hear him right? Shaking, I have never ran to an ATM machine that fast in my life (except maybe when the credit card machine at Qboda broke down at bar-time back in my college days…Maybe).
I got out three $20 bills and headed back into Rings & Things. “How about $60 and a hug?”
He accepted the offer and was thrilled to hear I could trade it in for the dream ring I had shown him earlier.
“If this ring couldn’t make one woman happy, I’m glad it could make another one.”
With the clearance pricing and the $2000 trade I got a helluva ring and a hellova story.
I have only been called out by one guy so far who had me figured out. “You just bought that so the guy who proposes to you someday has to get one bigger.” …Maybe.
No, no, it isn’t what you’re thinking although I do have an engagement ring on my finger, my right middle finger. As a declaration to the world I am now wearing what I have coined my “single –ladies ring.” It shouts that I don’t need a man to make me happy, and I don’t need one to buy me big bling either.
So right now you may be wondering: a)How could afford an $8,000 ring? and b)why you should care? I do have a point here (other than just bragging that I have a ring probably nicer than half your married friends).It all started with eHarmony guy back in December of 2009.
eHarmony walked into the jewelry store that I had worked at through most of college. Let’s call the store Rings & Things. eHarmony walked up to me and pretty much said, “I know I am going to by an engagement ring from you. I liked your jingle on the radio.” He didn’t care which ring he got, he just wanted someone to talk to about the woman he had just fallen for. I sat down with this guy and couldn’t believe the story I was about to hear.
eHarmony had found the love of his life. He had found this perfect woman on the eHarmony dating website. He had planned to fly to meet her in Pennsylvania over New Years. He was planning to make this grand gesture of love by proposing to her when he finally met her for the first time in person. Kinda a romantic/ creepy idea, although not an original one for him. He had actually done this before with a Russia woman. I have to say this guy had balls. Apparently the Russian woman had sent him packing fiancé-less immediately. He had also been married two other times, using the same rings for each marriage and proposal.
All that aside, this time was going to be different! He was starting with brand new rings and had found the perfect woman. He had even told me that he had cut out a picture of her face and put it on the pillow next to him… ekkkkkk
He meant well I swear! eHarmony swore he was a knight in shining armor… literally. He had found the lineage and collected both suits of armor and swords. He actually compared the price of the rings we looked at to his dream $6,000 suit of armor. What the fuck would you need a suit of armor for, much less a $6,000 one? It kinda makes me think of those reality shows where people buy 10k doggie spa packages or limited edition Star Trek figures. Can you find nothing else to use your money on?
I sent him out of Rings & Things with luck in his quest and a $2,000 ring. As I waved my new friend good-bye with one hand, I crossed my fingers behind my back with the other. Please God let her say yes or at least think about it long enough for it not to come back as a return.
Fast-forward a month… I saw eHarmony walk in with his maiden on his arm. Could it be? Holy Fuck she said yes. I shook both their hands and was more than willing to helping find the perfect wedding bands. I then sat down with both of them to hear their story. It was a Cinderella story. He had pulled her and her daughter out of poverty and got them back on track. Miss Harmony was to move in by spring and they were to be married in September. She also had an interview for an amazing job managing five hotels in Milwaukee, making more money than she ever could have imagined. As they left I believed anything was possible.
April 2010 eHarmony walked in and headed straight for me. We had become friends and I had come to enjoy our talks. They allowed me to sit down at the diamond cases that were usually reserved for associates with customers only. My high-heel clad feet silently thanked him for the tow hour chats. I casually asked if Miss Harmony had gotten the hotel job.
“Yeah, yeah she did. They gave her a car and a laptop, even a computer. She moved all her stuff in and everything. I went up to her family’s place in New York over Easter. We got a bunch of the wedding planning down too… and then she left me”
“Wait, what?”
“Yeah, I have no idea what happened. She packed everything up put the ring on the table and drove back to Pennsylvania. She didn’t even accept the new job. She just went back to poverty at home.”
I was shocked. We went back and forth trying to figure out what happened. Personally, I think she just couldn’t handle everything. It was just too good to be true and wasn’t the life she was used to. Who knows? All I know is that he had a finger-less ring sitting in a box in front of him. Even worse was that it was past the date to return it. I explained how he could trade it in, but that would include him getting different jewelry and spending more money. I suggested keeping it incase she came back or found someone else. It was no use. He was convinced he had given up on love and wouldn’t take Miss Harmony back even if she begged. I offered to get it polished so he could sell it online. I said that he could meet the person in the store and I would vouch it was what he claimed so that he would get more money.
“Nah, I usually go for the shock value. I’ll probably throw it up there for $50 to get rid of it.”
“You better not! You can’t give away a $2,000 ring for $50. It would break my heart.”
“All it is to me is metal and a rock. It breaks my heart to even see it. I might as well give it to you.”
I thought about yelling at him for teasing someone who loved jewelry as much as me like that. Instead I showed him my favorite ring in the store. I told him that it was discontinued and one of only two left in the company.
We talked some more until he decided it was about time he left. I panicked a little at missing a golden opportunity so I leaned towards him and said playfully,
“So how much do you want for it?”
“How much you willing to pay?” He chimed back.
Calling his bluff I took the plunge, “I can really only afford maybe 50 to 100 bucks.”
“You give me $50 and you can have it.”
Holy Shit did I just hear him right? Shaking, I have never ran to an ATM machine that fast in my life (except maybe when the credit card machine at Qboda broke down at bar-time back in my college days…Maybe).
I got out three $20 bills and headed back into Rings & Things. “How about $60 and a hug?”
He accepted the offer and was thrilled to hear I could trade it in for the dream ring I had shown him earlier.
“If this ring couldn’t make one woman happy, I’m glad it could make another one.”
With the clearance pricing and the $2000 trade I got a helluva ring and a hellova story.
I have only been called out by one guy so far who had me figured out. “You just bought that so the guy who proposes to you someday has to get one bigger.” …Maybe.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Kevin and the Love Triangle
I got a text from Kevin while enjoying a beautiful day on the lake. It said to come and drink with him and his friends at his house. I think I am going to invest in some mace or a tazor as I realize that going to the houses of the guys I meet online may not sound like the safest thing. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to hang out with a bunch of his friends rather than the one on one interview style dates I have been attending. I grab a case of Miller Lite and headed down to Kenosha. I got a bit lost when I was in the area so I gave him a call. He tells me to look for a girl outside waving. Let me introduce you to Tina, the first point in our love triangle. The cutest little Asian girl with an ass I would kill for. I then see Kevin on his balcony and have them buzz me in. It turns out no one could come drink on a Tuesday evening other than Kevin, myself, and Tina, who I soon would come to find was Kevin’s ex-girlfriend.
I actually did have fun with the two of them, engaging in a beer power hour to start. I even talked more with Tina than Kevin. She mentioned her 3 year old son who was in daycare at that time. Apparently she had hours to use up there so she had dropped her son off for the day. Tina wanted someone to go with her to get him so I offered as another friend (female) of Kevin’s came in.
Tina and I then bonded further to the point I could dig a little about Kevin. It was then that I found out about their previous relationship. I also found out how in the past it was a regular occurrence for him to pick up her son, give him a bath and put him to bed. I pushed a little further asking if she thought they could ever make it work together since she kept going on about what a “great guy he was.” She must not have saw me as a threat because she gladly elaborated on how she had gotten over the “baby-daddy” issues that broke them apart in the past and that she would love to end up together. Wow, thanks.
I got back and Kevin put on the movie Cars for him. He grabbed a sippy cup out of his cupboard and a Spongebob blanket out of the closet. He admitted to having more kid stuff in his condo that adult stuff. That was pretty odd for a single, childless bachelor. Feeling once again like a third wheel I politely excused myself.
When I saw he loved kids in his profile I thought it had to do with being a camp counselor and excited to be an uncle in the next couple months. I didn’t think it meant I want instant family.
I really hate breaking up happy homes. I’m so out of there.
I actually did have fun with the two of them, engaging in a beer power hour to start. I even talked more with Tina than Kevin. She mentioned her 3 year old son who was in daycare at that time. Apparently she had hours to use up there so she had dropped her son off for the day. Tina wanted someone to go with her to get him so I offered as another friend (female) of Kevin’s came in.
Tina and I then bonded further to the point I could dig a little about Kevin. It was then that I found out about their previous relationship. I also found out how in the past it was a regular occurrence for him to pick up her son, give him a bath and put him to bed. I pushed a little further asking if she thought they could ever make it work together since she kept going on about what a “great guy he was.” She must not have saw me as a threat because she gladly elaborated on how she had gotten over the “baby-daddy” issues that broke them apart in the past and that she would love to end up together. Wow, thanks.
I got back and Kevin put on the movie Cars for him. He grabbed a sippy cup out of his cupboard and a Spongebob blanket out of the closet. He admitted to having more kid stuff in his condo that adult stuff. That was pretty odd for a single, childless bachelor. Feeling once again like a third wheel I politely excused myself.
When I saw he loved kids in his profile I thought it had to do with being a camp counselor and excited to be an uncle in the next couple months. I didn’t think it meant I want instant family.
I really hate breaking up happy homes. I’m so out of there.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Won't Santa Be Worried About You?
Body Type: Average, Height: 5’8’’
Ha, yeah right, maybe standing on a phone book (or two). I went on a date with a midget. Am I allowed to say that? How short do you have to be to be a little person?
I met up with John at an awesome coffee place on the lakefront of Milwaukee. I was looking for him when I walked in and couldn’t find him until I called his phone. Unbeknown to me I just had to look down. I saw his profile declaring that he was 5’8’’ which was borderline short for a guy because I am also 5’8.’’ I have dated guys my same height so I didn’t let it be a deal breaker. When I greeted him with a hug I felt awkward. He looked all too happy at being pulled into what goods were at eye level.
Being the brave woman I am, I ventured on. It’s all for humanity and research, right? We decided to get a cup of coffee. I was confused when he juggled between his credit cards and cash (which he did not have enough of) when paying for the 2 servings. I soon came to find that John was an unemployed engineer who could not even afford his rent. I actually felt bad at that point, but like I have said before, you should be able to take care of yourself before you try to date and take care of anyone else. Besides, What could I do? Give him a couple bucks for food like he is a homeless man off the street?
Well, maybe he has a great personality, right? The only subject he could think of to talk about from his current life was how loud his cousin would have sex in the room next to him. Hmmm thanks for the sex update on your family. That’s always a good way to start a conversation.
This was one of the closest I have been to really running out on a guy. Most guys are at least amusing but not so much with this guy. I excused myself after the one cup and drove my ass home, texting my best friend, “Holy shit! R there any normal guys out there?”
Ha, yeah right, maybe standing on a phone book (or two). I went on a date with a midget. Am I allowed to say that? How short do you have to be to be a little person?
I met up with John at an awesome coffee place on the lakefront of Milwaukee. I was looking for him when I walked in and couldn’t find him until I called his phone. Unbeknown to me I just had to look down. I saw his profile declaring that he was 5’8’’ which was borderline short for a guy because I am also 5’8.’’ I have dated guys my same height so I didn’t let it be a deal breaker. When I greeted him with a hug I felt awkward. He looked all too happy at being pulled into what goods were at eye level.
Being the brave woman I am, I ventured on. It’s all for humanity and research, right? We decided to get a cup of coffee. I was confused when he juggled between his credit cards and cash (which he did not have enough of) when paying for the 2 servings. I soon came to find that John was an unemployed engineer who could not even afford his rent. I actually felt bad at that point, but like I have said before, you should be able to take care of yourself before you try to date and take care of anyone else. Besides, What could I do? Give him a couple bucks for food like he is a homeless man off the street?
Well, maybe he has a great personality, right? The only subject he could think of to talk about from his current life was how loud his cousin would have sex in the room next to him. Hmmm thanks for the sex update on your family. That’s always a good way to start a conversation.
This was one of the closest I have been to really running out on a guy. Most guys are at least amusing but not so much with this guy. I excused myself after the one cup and drove my ass home, texting my best friend, “Holy shit! R there any normal guys out there?”
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Randy the Biter
Randy was an attractive guy with the interest of a grapefruit- exciting when it first squirts you in the eye, but then it sits there with nothing else to offer. We were sitting at a bar talking when his phone kept ringing. He was constantly looking at texts and talking. It was pretty obvious that he was talking to other girls he was online dating, wondering if there was something better than me. Anyway, he gets this phone call so I leave for the bathroom to let him talk. I come back and he apologizes. He then explains that he talks to people he would never date online as well. He was friends with a 42 year old mom who he had never spoken to. She had apparently just called him because she had been in a fight with her roommate. She had then asked him if she could move in with him for a couple days. He had told her that she couldn’t because he lived with his parents. What kind of person asks a complete stranger if she can move in? Even more sad is if she really didn’t have anyone else to call. Then, Randy goes on to tell me that he felt bad for her so he invited her to meet up with us. Now keep in mind this was our first date that he had invited another girl from online to meet for the first time as well. Awkward. Thank God she never showed. He didn’t even ask though. What the hell?
So on our second date Randy and I went back to his, wait no, make that his parents’ house to watch a movie. We got to his house and he said in a creepy voice “Get into my dungeon” as we go into the basement. We started making out and he pulls me on top of him. He was on a whole different level as far as acting rough. He was into choking and biting hard core. The next day my friends looked at my arm and asked me why I have two teeth marks on my arm. It wasn’t a hicky or suck bruises, but as if a shark had attacked. I also almost lost my lip and other body parts due to his chompers. After kissing I told him (more to keep him away) “I am not going to have sex with you.” He then asked when I was going to be off my rag. I said, “Why so you know when to call me next?” He replied, “Yeah, well I just don’t see why we would tease ourselves like this.” Then it came up where I told him having my period was better than the alternative because that would mean I was pregnant. I will never forget what he replied to that comment. He said that that wouldn’t be so bad for him because then he could have sex with me without him getting me pregnant. What the hell? So not going to happen.
So on our second date Randy and I went back to his, wait no, make that his parents’ house to watch a movie. We got to his house and he said in a creepy voice “Get into my dungeon” as we go into the basement. We started making out and he pulls me on top of him. He was on a whole different level as far as acting rough. He was into choking and biting hard core. The next day my friends looked at my arm and asked me why I have two teeth marks on my arm. It wasn’t a hicky or suck bruises, but as if a shark had attacked. I also almost lost my lip and other body parts due to his chompers. After kissing I told him (more to keep him away) “I am not going to have sex with you.” He then asked when I was going to be off my rag. I said, “Why so you know when to call me next?” He replied, “Yeah, well I just don’t see why we would tease ourselves like this.” Then it came up where I told him having my period was better than the alternative because that would mean I was pregnant. I will never forget what he replied to that comment. He said that that wouldn’t be so bad for him because then he could have sex with me without him getting me pregnant. What the hell? So not going to happen.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Ernie's Not a Chubby Chaser
Ernie used to be in the navy and was working towards being a police officer. However, he was currently working as a security guard walking around thinking he was the shit because he had a badge. I won’t bore you with the details other than him bragging about having a gun in his car. Not the best first date conversation.
Oh yes, I should also mention the discussion about a past relationship he had with the “fat chick”.
“That was a low point in my life.”
“How so?”
“Look at me, do I look like I should be dating a fat chick?”
“Excuse me?”
“I am way too sexy for that.”
He went on to tell me that it ended when he got a text from her asking what he was up to for the night. He then got the same text from a friend. He wrote back, “I donno, fat chick wants to hang out.” Guess which person got that text. He laughed about it calling it for the best.
How could he think I would want to spend time with someone who could be such a douche. Was that supposed to impress me?
Oh yes, I should also mention the discussion about a past relationship he had with the “fat chick”.
“That was a low point in my life.”
“How so?”
“Look at me, do I look like I should be dating a fat chick?”
“Excuse me?”
“I am way too sexy for that.”
He went on to tell me that it ended when he got a text from her asking what he was up to for the night. He then got the same text from a friend. He wrote back, “I donno, fat chick wants to hang out.” Guess which person got that text. He laughed about it calling it for the best.
How could he think I would want to spend time with someone who could be such a douche. Was that supposed to impress me?
Monday, May 3, 2010
Brad the Cat-Man
Brad actually was a nice guy. Too bad it is easy to be too nice. I showed up ten minutes late to a café I had suggested we meet at. What I didn’t realize was that it was such an old person hangout. We were the only people under 40 in the entire place. So I walk in and he walked in a little after. It turns out that he had waited in his truck until he saw me so that he could quick drive away if I was hideous or not the person I said I was. Way to go Brad! That was some quick thinking. I was his first eDate so I definitely didn’t blame him. I mean, that meant I was good enough for him to follow me in right?
Brad was the first guy that I told about the “Dating Lemon-law.” I first heard about it on the show How I Met Your Mother. You can walk in and you give each other 5 minutes or until you order food to say “lemon law.” At that point you can get up and skip out on the rest of the date. No hurt feelings, just not wasting the rest of the night on a dead end date. I don’t know if I would ever really Lemon-law anyone. How would I have these stories if I did?
Brad was the lankiest guy I have ever seen. He looked like he was over 6’5’’ and the legs of a flagpole. Ever seen someone on stilts? It was that awkward looking. Anyway, Brad had also missed the spot under his nose when shaving. I couldn’t stop looking at the long whiskers coming almost out of his nose. It was very distracting.
So we start talking and he brings up his cats. He talks about Squinty, his ugly cat with no eyelids. There was also his spastic cat Mellow Yellow. It became amusing how much he had to say about cats. Every time there was a lull in the conversation I would say, “So tell me another cat story.” It was totally a joke… but then he would. He had a cat that was retarded and blind to ran into walls and fell off couches and five at his parents house. Don’t even get me started on his Mom’s teacup bitty dog.
OK fine, since you asked he started telling me about this dog that his mom had. She would dress it up in suitcases full of costumes. If it didn’t have clothes on she would ask the person who took them off why her dog was NAKED! Brad mentioned costumes such as a biker jacket, Mickey Mouse, and … fuck, I don’t even remember because all I was thinking was is this guy fucking serious? This is all after he told me I would get along with his mom really well. If I get anything out of all these eDates it will be what not to talk about on a first date. Number one: dressing up small animals.
I think one thing that made this two-hour brunch date entertaining was that I drank over 15 cups of coffee. I felt like I was drunk on caffeine. I was shaking and could hardly think straight. I think I may have even sang the “dirty Sturty” song that my cousin and I made up about Sturtevant . I even added a verse about Annetta’s Café, the location we were eating. Hey, I never said I was perfect at dating either, but this is my story so I can keep the focus on the issues of others rather than me.
Lastly, Brad went to the bathroom at the end of our date. He returned and smiled, thanking me for not running off with the keys to his truck and wallet that he had left lying on the table next to me. Damn, why didn’t I think of that?!
It has become a joke among my friends that I dated “cat-man.” When I mentioned the other day that I needed to clip my toenails one even suggested that I should reconsider- Cat-Man might be into my claws. Thanks guys.
Brad was the first guy that I told about the “Dating Lemon-law.” I first heard about it on the show How I Met Your Mother. You can walk in and you give each other 5 minutes or until you order food to say “lemon law.” At that point you can get up and skip out on the rest of the date. No hurt feelings, just not wasting the rest of the night on a dead end date. I don’t know if I would ever really Lemon-law anyone. How would I have these stories if I did?
Brad was the lankiest guy I have ever seen. He looked like he was over 6’5’’ and the legs of a flagpole. Ever seen someone on stilts? It was that awkward looking. Anyway, Brad had also missed the spot under his nose when shaving. I couldn’t stop looking at the long whiskers coming almost out of his nose. It was very distracting.
So we start talking and he brings up his cats. He talks about Squinty, his ugly cat with no eyelids. There was also his spastic cat Mellow Yellow. It became amusing how much he had to say about cats. Every time there was a lull in the conversation I would say, “So tell me another cat story.” It was totally a joke… but then he would. He had a cat that was retarded and blind to ran into walls and fell off couches and five at his parents house. Don’t even get me started on his Mom’s teacup bitty dog.
OK fine, since you asked he started telling me about this dog that his mom had. She would dress it up in suitcases full of costumes. If it didn’t have clothes on she would ask the person who took them off why her dog was NAKED! Brad mentioned costumes such as a biker jacket, Mickey Mouse, and … fuck, I don’t even remember because all I was thinking was is this guy fucking serious? This is all after he told me I would get along with his mom really well. If I get anything out of all these eDates it will be what not to talk about on a first date. Number one: dressing up small animals.
I think one thing that made this two-hour brunch date entertaining was that I drank over 15 cups of coffee. I felt like I was drunk on caffeine. I was shaking and could hardly think straight. I think I may have even sang the “dirty Sturty” song that my cousin and I made up about Sturtevant . I even added a verse about Annetta’s Café, the location we were eating. Hey, I never said I was perfect at dating either, but this is my story so I can keep the focus on the issues of others rather than me.
Lastly, Brad went to the bathroom at the end of our date. He returned and smiled, thanking me for not running off with the keys to his truck and wallet that he had left lying on the table next to me. Damn, why didn’t I think of that?!
It has become a joke among my friends that I dated “cat-man.” When I mentioned the other day that I needed to clip my toenails one even suggested that I should reconsider- Cat-Man might be into my claws. Thanks guys.
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