So here we have the perfect example of what happens when you keep giving a guy the benefit of the doubt that he isn’t a complete idiot. Darren looked like his head had been kinda squooshed in. I later came to the conclusion that his brain was getting smaller by the day due to lack of use. This caused his head to slowly cave in on itself. Since I had studied in Denmark I told Darren that I would one day like to go abroad again. He then asked me, “where is abroad?” At first I almost laughed until I realized he was completely serious. I tried my hardest to keep a straight face as I understanding explained that abroad referred to a place overseas or not where you currently are. He seemed to understand as I went on with my story. A couple minutes later, to my disbelief he turns to me and asked, “where did you say abroad is again?” Seriously? Seriously? You had the balls to ask me a dumb question and then forgot the answer so asked it again? It was that moment I knew I was not onto a good thing.
Now I would never go out of my way on a date to declare my high school GPA. I mean come one, who does that. I would be bragging if I did, so it would at least make sense if I did, but this guy felt the need to tell me he got a 1.6 GPA. To make it 100 times better he went on to explain it wasn’t horrible since he got A’s in his shop classes. If you think about it that doesn’t make it better at all. Those A’s averaged 4.0’s into the equation and he still averaged a D+. This may explain the unemployment and poverty I was to learn of later. He was probably selling his blood, semen, whatever he had just to pay for the gas to come and see me. Now in my opinion you should not be dating when you cannot even afford to take care of yourself, much less someone else.
Somehow, he must have scraped up enough for his phone bill because there was no shortage of calls and texts. I even told him that I had to pay for texts because I didn’t have them on my plan, but he kept them coming. We went on two dates, which to him meant we were going to get married. I can’t even believe I gave him date number two, but like I have said before, I put people on a pedestal and I give them the benefit of the doubt.
The week we were dating was a busy one for me. I was also starting to get closer with my cousins, who I had never had the time to get close with while I was away at college. Soon he started assuming that “cousin” was a code word for “other guy I was seeing. “ He left me a message saying that he didn’t want me to be seeing anyone other than him, and that I needed to call him because I wasn’t giving him enough time, and all this garbage. That was it. I drew up my list about jealousy and controlling issues and wrote them down on a couple post-its. I called and left a message (yeah, I am still working on not being a little bitch when it comes to break-ups). He called 11 times in the next five minutes. My sister and I stared at the phone as it vibrated on our table. I unfriended him on facebook and never talked to him again. Every once in a while he finds me online on a dating website, even when I change my picture and profile name.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
face-licking cheapskate
Ryan was the Godfather of bad daters. I pray that he finds an awkward-ass girl who could someday make it through a date with this crazy guy. How do I explain this guy? Let’s start with his pictures verses reality. You know how on America’s Next Top Model the girls are kinda odd looking sometimes? But in their pictures they are so photogenic that they turn out hot? That was this guy. He was perfect for eDating because he had a face that only looked good in photos.
This is another example of where I should not have given someone so much of the benefit of the doubt. He worked at Lowe’s, lived with his parents ,and didn’t even have a car. I had to pick him up when we went out mini golfing. I called him on my cell phone because I knew I was close to his house. He tells me that he is the one in the flannel at the end of the driveway. I almost just drove by and called it quits right there. I wish I had known the Dating Lemon law at this point (more to come on that in the cat lover post).
This guy gets in and I know from the start that this guy will never get a second date. I could do or say anything I wanted and it wouldn’t matter. As he got in he looked at how nicely I was dressed and took off his flannel so he was wearing a grey T-shirt instead. We walk into the mini golf place and he pays and asks if I want us to keep score. He replies that if I want to keep score then I am going to have to do it myself. I had my big purse that I had to maneuver along with my club, ball, and now this pencil and paper, so I asked if he could please keep score. He then went into how he didn’t understand why I needed a purse in the first place. I stared at him like he was telling a skydiver he didn’t need a parachute. Had this guy ever met a woman before? He went on to tell me that I should put my most important things in my pockets and my keys on my belt loop like him. Well, I hope my most important thing is a tic-tac because that is the only thing they make small enough to fit in the pockets of woman’s jeans. I think this is a good time to tell you that this guy was wearing some combating work boots, acid-washed-looking pants that were bunched at the bottoms like they were from the early nineties, and a ring of keys like he was a janitor or valet parking –not really a guy I want to be taking fashion advice from.
The funny thing about this date was that I honestly think he was into me. He just didn’t know how to express it in a normal way. He was just so… odd. One time He said in a loud, straightforward voice, “That sign says ‘NO CLIMBING ON THE ROCKS.’” I looked over thinking there would be some kids fooling around on the rocks. No, just him seeing a sign and feeling like he needed to point it out. Weird.
So the game went on and I decided to keep score and never tell him who was winning. It actually started to bother him that I knew who was doing better and he didn’t. Later in the night when he was guessing who won he said, “Well, you better have won with how many times I purposefully missed!” Thanks a lot ass hole I still lost and now I feel like shit.
The next part of the date we went to A & W for root beer floats. He pulls in and a hop comes to our car. We order floats, but suddenly I really wanted some cheese curds also, so I order those as well. He kinda looks at me when she asks for payment but I kinda look away thinking -dude you are the one taking me out. So we get our food and start talking. I am thinking of conversations to keep this guy from calling me again. I decided to bring up that I would like to join the peacecorp (which was true) and help people in other countries. He looked at me like a) I was crazy and b) like he didn’t want me to leave the country, so he replies “Why do you have to go? Can’t you just work in a soup kitchen or something? Are those supposed to be the same thing?
So as we are throwing away our uneaten food he looks at my unfinished root beer float and asked if I was going to finish it. I said I was full but that he could have it. He said, “I don’t want it, I just thought you would finish it if I paid for it.” Not an econ major are you?
By this point I want this guy out of my car. Luckily, he suggests a movie. Yes! Anything not to have to talk to him. He tells me we could see The Hangover, which I got genuinely excited about since I had wanted to see it. We started walking towards the theater when he turns to be and says, “So, are you going to cover this then?”
Taken back I said “Well, I guess… I don’t want to be rude.”
“Well, I have covered everything so far.” We kept walking until he sees a sign.
“OH MY GOD! ICE AGE 3 IS OUT! Can we go to that?”
“If we are seeing Ice Age 3 you are definitely paying.”
We put on our 3D glasses and he paid. We got in the viewing room and it was super cold for short sleeves. His response to my shivering was, “ would have given you my flannel but you made me leave it in the car.”
“Well do you blame me? Who wears flannel unless you are rounding up cattle or cutting down a tree?”
“Look at you in zebra print, only thing worse would be Cheetah.”
But all this time we are not saying these things meanly. It was super weird. He still wanted to snuggle during the movie, no matter how far I tried to lean from him. He also held my hand so tight I almost cried. I wasn’t even holding his back. My fingers were outstretched trying to have as little contact as possible. After the movie I looked at the ring on my finger. It had been dug into my skin, leaving dark marks.
We walked out letting go a deep breath that it was almost over. This guy obviously did not feel the same way. He suggested that we go out for coffee. I said I was tired, but he insisted the coffee would wake me up. I put my foot down and made sure I would be going home.
Soaking in the last couple minutes together, he pulled me close as we walked –a little too close. We awkwardly bumped hips since he was the same height as me. We got to the car as I though, gross, don’t let this guy’s mouth come anywhere near me. Finally the inevitable came and I went in to appease him with one quick peck. He had different plans and went right in with the tongue. With my closed mouth he ended up licking my entire face in one swoop. To make it worse he steps back and said, “Oh come on, are you serious?” Are you serious?
I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out some bull shit about taking things slow. I should have been the one asking if he was serious. NASTY! I dropped him off at home and slammed on the gas to get out of there as fast as possible.
This is another example of where I should not have given someone so much of the benefit of the doubt. He worked at Lowe’s, lived with his parents ,and didn’t even have a car. I had to pick him up when we went out mini golfing. I called him on my cell phone because I knew I was close to his house. He tells me that he is the one in the flannel at the end of the driveway. I almost just drove by and called it quits right there. I wish I had known the Dating Lemon law at this point (more to come on that in the cat lover post).
This guy gets in and I know from the start that this guy will never get a second date. I could do or say anything I wanted and it wouldn’t matter. As he got in he looked at how nicely I was dressed and took off his flannel so he was wearing a grey T-shirt instead. We walk into the mini golf place and he pays and asks if I want us to keep score. He replies that if I want to keep score then I am going to have to do it myself. I had my big purse that I had to maneuver along with my club, ball, and now this pencil and paper, so I asked if he could please keep score. He then went into how he didn’t understand why I needed a purse in the first place. I stared at him like he was telling a skydiver he didn’t need a parachute. Had this guy ever met a woman before? He went on to tell me that I should put my most important things in my pockets and my keys on my belt loop like him. Well, I hope my most important thing is a tic-tac because that is the only thing they make small enough to fit in the pockets of woman’s jeans. I think this is a good time to tell you that this guy was wearing some combating work boots, acid-washed-looking pants that were bunched at the bottoms like they were from the early nineties, and a ring of keys like he was a janitor or valet parking –not really a guy I want to be taking fashion advice from.
The funny thing about this date was that I honestly think he was into me. He just didn’t know how to express it in a normal way. He was just so… odd. One time He said in a loud, straightforward voice, “That sign says ‘NO CLIMBING ON THE ROCKS.’” I looked over thinking there would be some kids fooling around on the rocks. No, just him seeing a sign and feeling like he needed to point it out. Weird.
So the game went on and I decided to keep score and never tell him who was winning. It actually started to bother him that I knew who was doing better and he didn’t. Later in the night when he was guessing who won he said, “Well, you better have won with how many times I purposefully missed!” Thanks a lot ass hole I still lost and now I feel like shit.
The next part of the date we went to A & W for root beer floats. He pulls in and a hop comes to our car. We order floats, but suddenly I really wanted some cheese curds also, so I order those as well. He kinda looks at me when she asks for payment but I kinda look away thinking -dude you are the one taking me out. So we get our food and start talking. I am thinking of conversations to keep this guy from calling me again. I decided to bring up that I would like to join the peacecorp (which was true) and help people in other countries. He looked at me like a) I was crazy and b) like he didn’t want me to leave the country, so he replies “Why do you have to go? Can’t you just work in a soup kitchen or something? Are those supposed to be the same thing?
So as we are throwing away our uneaten food he looks at my unfinished root beer float and asked if I was going to finish it. I said I was full but that he could have it. He said, “I don’t want it, I just thought you would finish it if I paid for it.” Not an econ major are you?
By this point I want this guy out of my car. Luckily, he suggests a movie. Yes! Anything not to have to talk to him. He tells me we could see The Hangover, which I got genuinely excited about since I had wanted to see it. We started walking towards the theater when he turns to be and says, “So, are you going to cover this then?”
Taken back I said “Well, I guess… I don’t want to be rude.”
“Well, I have covered everything so far.” We kept walking until he sees a sign.
“OH MY GOD! ICE AGE 3 IS OUT! Can we go to that?”
“If we are seeing Ice Age 3 you are definitely paying.”
We put on our 3D glasses and he paid. We got in the viewing room and it was super cold for short sleeves. His response to my shivering was, “ would have given you my flannel but you made me leave it in the car.”
“Well do you blame me? Who wears flannel unless you are rounding up cattle or cutting down a tree?”
“Look at you in zebra print, only thing worse would be Cheetah.”
But all this time we are not saying these things meanly. It was super weird. He still wanted to snuggle during the movie, no matter how far I tried to lean from him. He also held my hand so tight I almost cried. I wasn’t even holding his back. My fingers were outstretched trying to have as little contact as possible. After the movie I looked at the ring on my finger. It had been dug into my skin, leaving dark marks.
We walked out letting go a deep breath that it was almost over. This guy obviously did not feel the same way. He suggested that we go out for coffee. I said I was tired, but he insisted the coffee would wake me up. I put my foot down and made sure I would be going home.
Soaking in the last couple minutes together, he pulled me close as we walked –a little too close. We awkwardly bumped hips since he was the same height as me. We got to the car as I though, gross, don’t let this guy’s mouth come anywhere near me. Finally the inevitable came and I went in to appease him with one quick peck. He had different plans and went right in with the tongue. With my closed mouth he ended up licking my entire face in one swoop. To make it worse he steps back and said, “Oh come on, are you serious?” Are you serious?
I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out some bull shit about taking things slow. I should have been the one asking if he was serious. NASTY! I dropped him off at home and slammed on the gas to get out of there as fast as possible.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
My first time
My first eDate was with Ray bon jovi*. Yeah, that was his first name. What kinds of parents name their son after bon jovi? I thought he was great when he came over to my place at the frat house. He insisted on being my boyfriend and spending vast amounts of time with me, even though we had just met. He ended up staying for three days! The problem was I didn’t want him there. I would go to class and he would stay there. I didn’t get to see my friends or do any work. Sometimes I would make up an excuse to leave. I would say that I had to go leave my room and go to the communal bathroom down the hall. I would go hang out with friends for a while in a different room instead. He must have thought that I had habitual diarrhea with how long I would be gone. My friends would ask me how Ray Bon-Jovi was doing. I would tell them to go ask themselves, he was upstairs. At least I learned one thing: never let any guy tell you that you aren’t good enough, even if they are trying to make it a joke. He would say I looked pregnant, and that I was good looking other than my face. He would tell me at least five times a day that I needed to have my long brown hair back. My chin length blonde hair was apparently not what he was buying into when he set up our date. Apparently it as false advertising when I put on older pictures. He had agreed to meet the brunette beauty with the flowing hair not the bobbed blonde.
After he finally left I did the mature thing of unrelationshiping him on facebook. (Hey, I never said I was good at this shit either.) He called repeatedly until I couldn’t deny talking to him anymore. This is how my method of breaking up with guys was first developed. It was my first experience, having been the dumpee in the situations with my first two high school boyfriends. My Friend down the hall helped me list on a dry-erase board all of the reasons that I could not date him. I needed it to keep on track and not be convinced to stay with him. I almost laughed when he started crying! He turned down and denied every reason, until Lisa circled and underlined reason number 7: I am a lesbian! I don’t think I used that one, but the point got across. This was my last eDating experience in college, and it was not until the summer after graduation that I gave it another try.
After he finally left I did the mature thing of unrelationshiping him on facebook. (Hey, I never said I was good at this shit either.) He called repeatedly until I couldn’t deny talking to him anymore. This is how my method of breaking up with guys was first developed. It was my first experience, having been the dumpee in the situations with my first two high school boyfriends. My Friend down the hall helped me list on a dry-erase board all of the reasons that I could not date him. I needed it to keep on track and not be convinced to stay with him. I almost laughed when he started crying! He turned down and denied every reason, until Lisa circled and underlined reason number 7: I am a lesbian! I don’t think I used that one, but the point got across. This was my last eDating experience in college, and it was not until the summer after graduation that I gave it another try.
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